I am a good girl.....and I do my best but it's not easy...

I am a good girl, I do my best in school, I work hard. I do not do drugs, I am saving my first kiss for the right guy, no sex, no drinking, no, no, no anything bad. I follow the rules, I do not lie. I have gone through a lot of junk in my life and continue to be the best I can be while still fighting though all the junk that I deal with daily.
I have type 1 diabetes and I have my bad days and good days and icky days and whatever else days. I will fight with all my physical stuff the highs and the lows and the fevers, the fevers are new and have no idea what is wrong, but I deal with it. I deal with the pain and the mood swings and whatever else comes my way. I have God to help me through it I have an amazing family and loving friends and a amazing support group.
What I do have major issues dealing with is government insurance that does almost nothing and doctors who know squat about my disease and programs that denied me for no reason, and other programs who deal with the doctors who do nothing and do not refill my insulin and do not tell me about it. That is stuff I cannot handle. I cannot handle it when my somewhat awful government insurance will not pay for a glucagon incase I have a seizure or will not even write a script for lantus in case my pump decides to break because they are WHAT IF and they do not do WHAT IF. This is the stuff I do not do well with. And yeah they will NOT pay for ANY of my pump supplies. I cannot get on Medicaid because I do not have a baby. I do not do well with this stuff.
I deal with a lot of stuff most of it I do not talk about. I don’t want to I do not want to think about it. I just try to push the pain away, I hide it, bury it try not to think about it I focus on the different feeling of highs and lows. Most of the time I feel like I am pretty good at not letting people know how much pain I deal with not all of it is type 1 related, some but not all. I try to be happy around others but it does not always work, they see my pain.
I want to travel the world and my dream is coming true. This summer I get to study abroad for a month in the summer and go to Germany. I think it is something God wants me to do but money the issue of money I can barely get day to day gas, food, bills. So saving up is so difficult. I have been praying for a miracle that I will not have to think about money because it will be provided even if that means for the summer. I would be so thankful. I have been praying for a miracle that I will not have to worry about money, insurance, I pray I will have a great doctor to deal with my t1 and that I can help others who are having issues with t1 supplies that all the amazing t1’s who have helped me I will be able to help them and others. I pray that I will not have to think about medication, insulin, strips, insets, or any of it. And I am not even talking about a cure just away that all the medication and t1 supplies will be provided for me. I feel like I can deal with college, hormones, boys, peer pressure, most drama, and even type 1 diabetes and the random fevers, however insurance and being totally broke is something I have issues with and pretty much break down crying every time.
My heart breaks this week because 3 type 1 diabetics have died from this disease and it scares me so much because all of these t1’s were so close to my age. It could have been me. It pains me to hear that a 7 year old t1 had an accident because of a high and the teacher made her tell the entire class what happened before she could go to the nurse’s office. It hurts to know that another teacher did not want a child to check at the lunch table so she made her check on stage in front of everyone. I am not shy about my t1 but that would totally embarrass me and be humiliating.
My world feels like it has been shaken and hurt and as I try to put back the pieces I am waiting for a miracle if it is a cure great if it something else beautiful. I am a good girl and I want to do my best and help others and be an amazing culinary artist. I am a good girl I do my best to bring glory to God and his light shines through me. He will provide. I know I am blessed and even though I deal with craziness I have some amazing people in my life. Thank you to all who read my blog and support me I know some times I am random, however I hope this helps you in some way if it knowing you are not alone or in another way. You are AMAZING and never forget that.

One day

This has just been my thoughts I did not try to talk about one certain thing it was a few weeks ago I had a bad day and have just added to it on Hope and faith and it started out as a vent. I would not be able to be where I am today without any of you. I am so blessed. I plan on doing a blog on basal testing hopefully in the near future however I am not sure when.


I believe there will be a cure one day, however I catch myself wishing for one day of no diabetes just one day a year is all I ask, just one because some days I just want to pretend it does not exist, I want it nowhere near me. I want to be semi-normal. (Let’s face it, I will never be completely normal and I like that I am not normal) Some days I just want a break. I want to eat without checking, counting carbs, insulin all of it that involves t1. I just want normal. I would like to eat without thinking about the carbs and if that fat or fiber will affect me later. One free day of not being hooked up or have to carry around the meter or Capri suns. Just normal. I would like to not have to think about, will this affect my numbers always counting and recounting thinking why did this do that. I want to not have to have the terrible feeling of highs or lows and just be able to feel good. I would like to be able to say I am sleepy because I am, not because I am high. I would like to not be able to see the millions of holes in my fingers and scars from my sites. I want the tubing to not be there and think am I going to hook on that or that. Sometimes I just wish I could have a day off. Sadly I know it will not happen until there is a cure for t1. Then I think instead of wishing for one day I would always be off and I would not have to poke or count or anything that involved t1 I would be completely free. That has not happened yet however it will. Some days I wish for just one day off that’s it, one day of freedom. I am blessed that I am able to live a semi-normal life if I do not want people to know I have t1 I am capable of hiding and I can hide it well, however I really do not care if people know I have it, but I am constantly thinking about how I feel, did I remember this or that, why did my mood just change, and the list goes on. I think at the same time if I did not have t1, I would not have some really special people in my life or be able to have learned some of the many valuable things in my life, or know so much about eating healthy, or how my body works. Some days t1 is the worst thing in the world how dare my pancreas and auto immune system not work together and fight till the death. How dare my body reject me to the point of DKA or seizures, how dare it do that. I fight everyday with t1 and work hard at making it work with me and sometimes it just does not work with me and I ends up in pain, but I think…. Type 1 diabetes is not all bad, because I do not hate it, I get frustrated with it, however it is what it is and I have found that it is a part of me it has changed how I think of things and see things it has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. I do believe it should at least have time limit in my mind 10 years then it magically goes away and my immune system will again work with my pancreas. I pray that at my 10 year mark of t1 I will be healed and my immune system will again to continue to work with my pancreas if that means a cure I would be thrilled if that just means hope for me to look forward to a point in the future that I will have that one day that turns into everyday then I will continue to pray for one day of normal. One day I will be free, one day I will be normalish, one day….we will find a cure for type 1 diabetes