I am a good girl, I do my best in school, I work hard. I do not do drugs, I am saving my first kiss for the right guy, no sex, no drinking, no, no, no anything bad. I follow the rules, I do not lie. I have gone through a lot of junk in my life and continue to be the best I can be while still fighting though all the junk that I deal with daily.
I have type 1 diabetes and I have my bad days and good days and icky days and whatever else days. I will fight with all my physical stuff the highs and the lows and the fevers, the fevers are new and have no idea what is wrong, but I deal with it. I deal with the pain and the mood swings and whatever else comes my way. I have God to help me through it I have an amazing family and loving friends and a amazing support group.
What I do have major issues dealing with is government insurance that does almost nothing and doctors who know squat about my disease and programs that denied me for no reason, and other programs who deal with the doctors who do nothing and do not refill my insulin and do not tell me about it. That is stuff I cannot handle. I cannot handle it when my somewhat awful government insurance will not pay for a glucagon incase I have a seizure or will not even write a script for lantus in case my pump decides to break because they are WHAT IF and they do not do WHAT IF. This is the stuff I do not do well with. And yeah they will NOT pay for ANY of my pump supplies. I cannot get on Medicaid because I do not have a baby. I do not do well with this stuff.
I deal with a lot of stuff most of it I do not talk about. I don’t want to I do not want to think about it. I just try to push the pain away, I hide it, bury it try not to think about it I focus on the different feeling of highs and lows. Most of the time I feel like I am pretty good at not letting people know how much pain I deal with not all of it is type 1 related, some but not all. I try to be happy around others but it does not always work, they see my pain.
I want to travel the world and my dream is coming true. This summer I get to study abroad for a month in the summer and go to Germany. I think it is something God wants me to do but money the issue of money I can barely get day to day gas, food, bills. So saving up is so difficult. I have been praying for a miracle that I will not have to think about money because it will be provided even if that means for the summer. I would be so thankful. I have been praying for a miracle that I will not have to worry about money, insurance, I pray I will have a great doctor to deal with my t1 and that I can help others who are having issues with t1 supplies that all the amazing t1’s who have helped me I will be able to help them and others. I pray that I will not have to think about medication, insulin, strips, insets, or any of it. And I am not even talking about a cure just away that all the medication and t1 supplies will be provided for me. I feel like I can deal with college, hormones, boys, peer pressure, most drama, and even type 1 diabetes and the random fevers, however insurance and being totally broke is something I have issues with and pretty much break down crying every time.
My heart breaks this week because 3 type 1 diabetics have died from this disease and it scares me so much because all of these t1’s were so close to my age. It could have been me. It pains me to hear that a 7 year old t1 had an accident because of a high and the teacher made her tell the entire class what happened before she could go to the nurse’s office. It hurts to know that another teacher did not want a child to check at the lunch table so she made her check on stage in front of everyone. I am not shy about my t1 but that would totally embarrass me and be humiliating.
My world feels like it has been shaken and hurt and as I try to put back the pieces I am waiting for a miracle if it is a cure great if it something else beautiful. I am a good girl and I want to do my best and help others and be an amazing culinary artist. I am a good girl I do my best to bring glory to God and his light shines through me. He will provide. I know I am blessed and even though I deal with craziness I have some amazing people in my life. Thank you to all who read my blog and support me I know some times I am random, however I hope this helps you in some way if it knowing you are not alone or in another way. You are AMAZING and never forget that.
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